"99 Problems"

Well, that's not actually true. Only two posts in and these bitches want to turn me into Dear Abby... hot.

Bitches, I do love you and I'm genuinely sorry your problems exist, or that you're too dim to avoid them. If I had a magic wand, an actual magic rather than the euphemistic penis you'd be offered in a lot of other venues, I could wave that shit and happily ever after could be yours. Maybe I'll check out E-bay and see what I can do. In the meantime, you could attempt to:

-avoid going out with someone if you think he's a loser. Granted, you don't always know until you go out, but H, you knew in advance of The Date that you had no interest in the guy. "Free dinner" is a shitty excuse to go out with
someone and it will ALWAYS cost you when you choose to go out with a fucktard. The only thing you can do now is get on the damage control. Change your number and block his e-mail address. You didn't mention if he knows where you live... If you're really worried that he'll go crazy stalker on your ass call in the popo and/or move. It doesn't take much to set off a nutter but you chose to open that Pandora's Box despite your knowledge this guy was setting off your radar. Listen to your fucking gut, the intuitive part, not the "hungry for free dinner" part, and you'll rarely find yourself in these kinds of scenarios... Inside The Mind of A Ghetto Genius Not only do these fuckers have a lot of the same stolen e-cards on their Facebook, they give superior (and hilarious) advice on these matters of "gettin' some".

-avoid trying to change/trap a douchebag by getting your ass knocked up... not your ass for real, you know what I am saying. The genuine tragedy here, C, is your lack of forethought and honesty. You knew he was an asshole and thought you could change him. That makes you a douche, too. That little bun in your oven is going to be a lot of work and your naivety or manipulation, or both, is all that little guy has in this world. Here's a little Al Wilson to put it all in perspective

-understand the society we inhabit is totally fucked. Consumerism, Baby, and those marketing geniuses have got that shit locked. M, the only thing you really need to know is that most men live in a fucking fantasy world that doesn't even remotely resemble reality, and as far as I can tell, the stupid shit women come up with appears quite reasonable by comparison. I thoroughly understand the allure, the world is a very fucked up place after all. Lots of 'em have figured out that the promise of security is a fairly reliable way to get some booty. The truly fuckable men won't just promise it, they back it up and don't expect you to trust them without proof of their promises. 

What he says is for shit, bitch. If all you want is shit, go forth and accept every word out of his mouth, keyboard or text machine. If you have an ounce of self respect, B, believe the actions and ignore the fucking words. They're "fucking" words, to get you naked. And quit agreeing to a FWB/booty call arrangement if you want a legit boyfriend/husband. Or vice versa, W. Try Plenty of Fish for one week. If you don't find at least two men, who are looking for the same thing you are, to take you out for dinner, I will come over there and fuck you myself. It'll clear your head so we can work on finding you a booty call/FWB/BF/husband/baby daddy who isn't a total fuck up. <That article is disturbingly accurate...

-put this fine art in your ear...


If this does, or absolutely does not, sound like your man, follow the advice here.

-stop insulting the memory of Adam Yauch with your hater vision assumptions that hip hop is a device to demoralize women


and promote violence
. 

It's also a device for:

-calling out haters (while sampling safe and delicious classics)



"You're a hip hop chick? Is there anything else you need? You're a...? Aw dude, you fucked up my whole shit right now, son! Yo, this is what I need- a'ight, I apologize for my- with the Earth and that, y'know?"

-patriotism (nice jab in there at the end)



-promoting a brand, name dropping and healthy competition

-making absolute gibberish that's not only palatable but irresistable, too

-sharing political agendas



-engaging in displays of cleverness that are lost on the masses



-saying what you really mean!

and 

-getting an all star cast to come to your 'hood to fight for your right to party