Wanna Chat?

"Wanna Chat?" And other Freakquently Asked Questions...

A conglomerate (of men) and I were having this conversation. Approximately 18, 000 times. It's slightly paraphrased for flow but this is pretty much how the conversations go, give or take. It just kinda blurs into a single idiot in my head. They really don't distinguish themselves from the other idiots that well because the conversations are so remarkably similar that they might be using the same script. 

Ladies, or guys: if you have an amazing man (or two, or whatever your fucking slutty deal is) in your life, go fuck the shit out of him right now. Right now!! If you're on the rag and don't "do" period sex cuz it's against your religion or some shit, go suck his dick until he blows all over your goddamned face. If you just got your tongue pierced and are still riding out the 6-8 weeks, give him the best handjob he ever had, or take it in the ass. If he'in another country send nude ass pics to his phone, straight up phone sex, do whatever you gotta do to give that man some booty treasure.
Get some lesbian action going with the neighbour and invite him to join in. If you're in a wheelchair and have lost both arms, hire that fucker a 20 year old escort to bang him all night long, while you drink wine from a straw and watch male strippers with your bitches. Or female strippers, whatever you're into. Because the gooders are rare and all they want is to fuck you more. No bitch, not because he's a "pig", because he fucking loves you and loves to show you that by feeling good together, while he fucks the shit out of you. Chicks wanna do nice shit like making a romantic dinner and giving him a massage to show they love their man. He appreciates those things but your good man just wants to fuck you more. It's the only complaint they make, and they don't even make it, cuz they're that fucking amazing. If your man is worth keeping, go fuck him now! This blog will still be here for you when you come back all sweaty and out of breath. 

If you're a woman who just wants someone to cuddle and listen to your bullshit, get yourself a best gay and quit fucking your good man around by not fucking him. Or ditch the loser because he is a loser and find a man worth fucking. If you can close your legs long enough to stop fucking losers, the whole world would be a better place. By fucking losers, you are giving them the wrong idea, the idea that they ARE fuckable. They're not. And it fucks shit up for the rest of us. Somebody is doing them, so I'm looking at you, 'cause it sure wasn't me.

If you're a married guy whose wife won't fuck you anymore, try being more fuckable. For example, quit trying to get other girls to fuck you like a doubly selfish fucking prick. As an alternative you could try the whole "romantic dinner and a massage, with no expectation of getting any" thing, and watch how fast that bitch gives it up. If you're amazing she won't be able to help fucking you. Or she's a fucking bitch and you should run far, and fast. 

If you're a selfish prick and can't figure out why you don't get laid, I probably can't help you much because you're a selfish prick so I don't care if you get laid. Porno has ruined your imagination anyway so it likely to be a horrible lay for the poor lady under you. But you might recognize the conversation below.

AC: Are you writing a book, or something?

Me: Yes. To both. Are you doing an online review or is it for the school newspaper?

AC: Huh?

AC: What do you mean?

AC: Are you still there?

AC: Is the excerpt from a book?

Me: It will be a book.

AC: What do you mean? Is it real?

Me: I mean, when it's finished it'll be a book. Presently it's a few chapters. Yes, it'll really be a book.

AC: I mean about the school newspaper. Did you really have a friend with benefits like that? Are you lez?

Me: What about the school newspaper? Which school? Will it be posted online?

AC: Do you have me confused with someone else?

Me: Nope, I just figured you must be doing research. And what's the point of research if it's not shared in appropriate forums? Why else would you want to know about my writing? 

AC: I was just curious and wanted to chat. Is the story real?

Me: Oh, did you think I was bored?

AC: Lol, no. 

Me: Are you hiring writers currently? Or looking to make a donation to content creation?

AC: What are you talking about?

AC:??

AC: You're weird.

Again, stolen from some fucker who took it and cut off the credit.
We're both assholes, but the other guy's a bigger asshole. Jus' sayin'

Me: I didn't make any claims otherwise. Where did you get the idea I was common?

AC: What do you mean am I hiring writers? WTF?

Me: Do you usually just chat up an electrician when you don't need her services?

AC: Why would I do that?

Me: Precisely.

AC: I just wanted to chat. I was curious about your story.

Me: Uh huh. And I'm a professional writer. We write shit, that's what we do. What do you do?

AC: Construction. But is it your story, like you're telling something that happened to you.

Me: So, you work for free? I wrote it, yes.

AC: What? NO, lol. So, it's real?

Me: Don't you like your job? It's a real story, yes.

AC: It's all right. Why would I work for free though? So, you got with a girl? Hot!!

Me: Hmm, here's an interesting question. Why would I work for free? And why can't you accept that it's a story, I write stories. Do you think Stephen King lived through "It" and then transcribed it?

AC: What do you mean?

Me: Are you suggesting that I should volunteer, but you should get paid? And that every author is only describing their own experiences in print.

AC: Don't you work?

Me: Ya, don't most people?

AC: Ya, so...

Me: Would you work at an even shittier job so you could do construction full time for free?

AC: Why would I do that? That's retarded. I have kids.

Me: So what? Why aren't you a parent full time?

AC: Haha, what? I am.

Me: I thought you said you did construction, my bad.

AC: I do.

Me: Ya, k so why don't you quit the construction gig and just play dad all day and night? Aren't you any good at it?

AC: Lol, ya I'm a great dad. But who's going to pay the bills if I quit my job?

Me: I dunno, presumably the same person or entity you figure will pay my bills.

AC: What do you mean?

Me: You said you wouldn't quit your job to do something you love because life costs money, right?

AC: Ya. So?

Me: Do you think I'm a spambot that simply needs a new D-cell battery every few months?

AC: Lol, no, WTF?

Me: So, you agree that I'm also a human being? Does it take a rocket scientist to connect with the idea that presumably I have a cost associated with juice and toilet paper amenities, as well as rent/mortgage and etc. whatever the fuck else the human race consumes. Or would that be common sense?

AC: Ya. OK.

Me: But here you are asking me to volunteer instead of earning a living, because it would entertain your curiosities. Am I Motherfucking Theresa all of a sudden?

AC: Lol, I hope not.

Me: So, what's with the double standard?

AC: I was just curious. You're a really good writer.

Me: Thanks, I work at it a lot because maybe someday, this shit'll get bought and I can have 24 hours a day to chat up charity cases. I won't even need to stop for sleep or have showers or nothing.

AC: Haha.

AC: How come the excerpt is so tiny? 

AC: Are you still there?

AC: You're not going to put this on your blog are you? I don't want to become famous by ending up on your blog...

AC: Still there?

AC: I'm not a charity case, btw.

Me: Are you paying me for this session or is it pro bono?

AC: Haha, what?

Me: I am a writer. I am writing to you. So... are you paying for this session or is it pro bono?

Me: Abstract thought isn't really your forte, huh?

AC: I'm a pretty nice guy, I don't know why you're being such a ball breaker...

Me: That's awesome that you think that you're a nice guy, it's the thought that counts, right? Except here you are, with your double standards, including but not limited to acknowledging my skill set but asking me to work for free. Do you ask your lawyer to work for free because s/he's really good at it? There are tonnes of nice guys out there. Did you happen see my profile picture?

AC: I didn't mean it that way but ya, it's hot :)

Me: Uh huh... I am an adult content writer, the picture goes along with that vocation. That way people can recognize me when they creep me on Facebook and Twitter when they're trying to find out more about me but have respect enough not.to waste my time.

AC: K, so?

Me: "K, so" you don't care about wasting my time but you'd like to read more on the blog? Or "K, so" you think a person with a rack such as the one displayed in my profile picture has problems getting attention? Even if it's not my actual photo, the fact that it's become the brand graphic for this series, probably means a lot of inquiries. Most of them boring as fuck. So, no worries there, no one would recognize you if you did end up in the blog.

Greeting,. Compliment.
It's good advice and  whoever gave it to you was onto something.
They forgot to tell you to switch the script up a little here and there.

AC: Lol, no, I didn't mean that either. I think you're reading too much into it. Is it your pic?

Me: No, I'm not reading anything into anything, I'm just assessing the situation objectively.  Based on a law of averages, some of that attention comes from nice guys probably, right?

AC: Ya. Is it your pic?

Me: More math thrown in and those averages are bound to produce some hot, nice guys, too, right? Are you just going to keep asking? Whether it is or isn't, I will never tell.

AC: You're a woman?

Me: Yep, last time I checked.

AC: Are you really a woman?

Me: Yep, just one.

AC: Just one what?

Me: One woman. How could I be two? Multiple personality? Are you calling me a liar and a mental case?

AC: Lol, no? Where do you get that?

Me: Just not sure why you wouldn't accept my answer the first time, would you like me to bleed all over your leg to prove it?

AC: Lol, gross, no? WTF?

Me: Alice Cooper "Only Women Bleed"... menstruation. It's the only sure way to know I wasn't a dude five years ago.

AC: What? Gross?

Me: Trannies?

AC: Lol, no. Girl stuff.

Me: So you're cool with trannies but have a problem with the functions of the female human body even though you claim to be straight? Freud would say that's very interesting AC.

AC: Haha, WTF, no! Are you nuts?

Me: No, just not willing to dumb it down for you. Which in fact does make me nuts for continuing this conversation. Why did you call me a liar?

AC: What? I didn't.

Me: But you didn't believe I was telling the truth about being a chick, so you thought I was lying. Why?

AC: You just don't talk like a woman very much.

Me: *giggles, flips hair*

Me: Is that better?

AC: Most women aren't so direct.

Me: So? I'm not most women,  remember, 8 seconds ago, when we covered the fact that I'm just one woman. But you're suggesting that since I'm smart and speak freely, I'm prolly a liar? That's a shitty attitude to have, you don't even know me.

No, a few times I was just insulting.
I know, it makes me a bitch,  the number of fucks given was illustrated above.
Technically not a stolen image as Alicexz is still credited.
When you say it, it sounds like "Alice sexy". Jus' sayin'.

AC: I didn't mean that. Just curious.

Me: Ya, I got that because you keep typing at me and I'm actually rather bright despite continuing to type at you.

AC: What are you doing?

Me: I was going to type some shit and post it up for all y'all but I'm typing at you instead.

AC: Ya, are you going to post more soon? How come the Friends With Benefits is so short?

Me: Lolfuck, are we having the same conversation?

AC: Ya, what do you mean?

Me: You're kinda thick, huh, AC? How am I supposed to create content for the blog if I am typing with you? Do you have a Magical Original Content Creator app on your smartphone?

AC: No, what's that?

Me: I dunno, I was wondering the same thing. Where do you think original content comes from?

AC: What do you mean?

Me: Do you think movies just happen by magic, or do you understand that a shitpile of people get together and work like fucking maniacs and in a few months we get to go see it at the theatre?

AC: Ya, so?

Me: So, where do you think stories and music and shit comes from? 

AC: OK, I getcha, somebody has to make it.

Me: So, how can I write a product, when I'm busy writing a redundant conversation?

AC: But why is the excerpt so small?

Me: Goddamn, you're frustrating AC. Even though you can't seem to pay attention for more than four seconds at a time, I'll explain how it works in the publishing world. Unpublished content can be sold, published content can only be stolen. Again, do yo do your construction job for free? Or do expect that at some point you'll get a paycheque, prolly sometime around the end of the week, or the middle of the month, or whenever the fuck?

AC: K, I getcha.

Me: K, cool.

AC: So, what are you up to this weekend?

AC: You still there?
AC: Do you have plans this weekend?

Me: Oh, are we still talking? I thought you meant it when you said you got it.

AC: Lol.

Me: I was only kinda kidding, sarcasm isn't actually all that funny... it's a mechanism to, oh fuck never mind.

AC: Do you ever meet people who contact you?

Me: Sure, if a donation is big enough and the person is in my area, I'll do lunch.

AC: I meant more like a date?

Me: Why would I do that?

AC: I just thought you seem pretty cool. We could have a lot of fun.

Me: Lmao, apparently you missed the article about massage practitioners

AC: No, I read it. What do you mean?

Me: So, you would go to the dentist, ask for free dental care and then ask the dentist out on a date? But you don't think you're a charity case?

AC: Lol, no.

Me: But you have no problem expecting the same from me?

AC: I just thought I'd ask. You seem cool.

Me: So cool that I'll just fulfill all your fantasies and forget about my needs entirely? Some kind of volunteer Ho, here exclusively to entertain strange men who notice I have a nice rack and an entertaining personality but bore the shit out of me... Wow, I must really be Motherfuckin' Theresa and you must be the nice guy you believe yourself to be.

AC: Lol, what kind of fantasies are you into?

Me: Oh, okay, is this free sex chat now? Why don't you try Plenty Of Fish, your ability to compose a sentence will set you worlds ahead of the rest. Good luck with it.

AC: Lol, why not? 

AC: Do you wanna watch me on cam? 

AC: We could Skype.

AC: ?

AC: You still there?

AC: My skype addy is AC123. 

AC: You still there? Do you wanna cam?

Looks like somebody got the memo about the script adjustments.
I guess he didn't get the memo about the memo that went viral on Facebook, with the advice
"If flowers don't work, tell her she has nice tits, jugs or melons"
being fake like a Nigerian Prince scam.

AC: Are you still there?

AC: Where'd you go?

AC: Hellooooooo, lol.

AC: K, I hope to chat again soon. Really love the blog, keep it up!!

AC: Ciao!

AC: xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

AC: Are you back? It says you're still online?

AC: Are you here?

AC: Are you busy?

AC: Are you busy?

Me: Yes.

AC: Cool, what are you up to?

AC: What are you doing?

AC: Wanna chat?

AC: Are you there?

AC: Are you posting more stuff soon?

AC: If you change your mind about the date, just let me know.

Me: Aren't you married?

AC: Ya. Is that a problem?

Me: Nope.

AC: Cool!

Me: Your wife's cool with it, right?

AC: Well, she wouldn't know. It could be our spicy little secret.

AC: Are you still there?

AC: Is that a problem? You can just tell me if it is.

Me The only problem is that you're inattentive, boring... and you're a liar. But rather than just man up and accept these "weaknesses of character" you drag me into your bullshit, projecting your own social disorders onto me by accusing me of lying. And then, to top it all off, you assumed, or hoped, I was into homewrecking and/or that I have low self-esteem. I don't know where you got your information from but let me set the official record straight. I don't fuck losers. There are too many cool people out there who don't rub their desperate stupidity all over me to have time to fuck losers. A couple of times I fucked someone and then found out they were a loser. And stopped fucking them. On behalf of the entire organization, I'd like to apologize for the confusion caused by the bad information going around.

AC: Are you some kind of man hater or what?

Me: Nope! I hate stupidity and obtusity, and being treated as though I'm as dumb as you look, when you've (apparently) already acknowledged otherwise. The fact that you're a boy doesn't enter it even a little. I'm gonna go suck a dick belonging to a man of substance, gotta run!

AC: K, chat later?

AC: You're feisty, lol. Are you going to his place?

AC: Are you still there?

AC: Do you want to trade pics?
AC: Are you still there?

AC: Your picture is amazing. I haven't seen you online in a while.?

AC: Hey, it's me again. I saw you come online last week. Where've you been? 

AC: Wanna cam?

AC: Do you remember me?

AC: Are you there?

AC: How have you been? 

AC: Are you available this weekend? My wife is gone with the kids. 

AC: I'd love to hook up. I'll even take you out for dinner.

Me: I don't "hook up" in exchange for dinner. You actually have to impress me to get my pants off. Does dinner impress you? Who is this anyway?

AC: You don't remember me? :( :(

AC: We talked three years ago. I thought we really hit it off. I look at your picture all the time.

Me: OH!!! That's why the blog has so many hits. Thanks!

AC: I can't believe you don't remember me. 

AC: What blog?

AC: Are you there?

AC: Are you still there?

AC: I think we'd have a really good time if we went out.

AC: Are you still there?

AC: K, talk soon. I'm around all weekend!!!

Peace, Readers. May you never have to live through this kind of absurdity in person. It's a kind of pointless fun, like video games that never end.

~IW~