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| I can help but think it, It's the only thing keeping me on the fence. |
What kind of twisted fuck am I to assault us all with that imagery? Probably some kind of fight or flight mechanism to preserve my status as a cock lover
in the face of all this evidence that cock isn't worth it when we put it all through the cost/benefit analysis machine... So much cock and it's not even noon.
What it does accomplish is an influence of equally insane musings. For example, it's been paramount in determining my new plot involving Daniel Tosh, making a Personal Appearance. All over my face. Of course, I have to present it in a future ex-husband framework, or I'm just hoin'. It's also not a rape joke, I just want to make that clear. I finally kinda get why my niece genuinely believes that someday she'll marry Justin Bieber. She's still a dumb kid so she doesn't know that she can do so much better. Give it some time. But back to the story at hand.
Let me set this up for you a bit. I don't watch TV so I'm sometimes years behind on your retarded influences. My news sources are eavesdropping on buses and in shops and The Onion. I read about current events in the Bible, too. It's riveting. Anyway, until a few weeks ago I didn't know Daniel Tosh was going to be my future ex-husband either. It was all rather random and serendipitous the way we met. He was on TV and I happened by. Hot, retarded, hilarious? Of course he was all over this booty like it was the last booty he might ever pirate. And I noticed he was hot, retarded and hilarious, too. From there it was all "Future ex-spousin' it!" It's an unspoken thing.
So, I was eager to make my commitment known and I thought "Who better to help me than the Internet?". Fuck nobody, that's who. First note to make in this course is the blue check mark on Twitter. It means "I'm fuckin' legit!" but it's only for celebrities. Lucky for me, I noticed that Dan is a celebrity. Off to Twitter I went where I put "True Love" in the search field and there he was, Blue Checkmarked Awesomeness
He's a smart social networker so his website is right there. Twitter is well designed for that because the info is always prevalent if you go to someone's profile. This is where I found the Personal Appearances Info . I'm assuming it's an all over my face thing but that's the kind of relationship we have. For your appearance it might be a lot more innocent, like making balloon animals humping on each other at parties and stuff. Either or both, whatever, I don't judge.
His website links back to Twitter, and a Facebook page peddlin' the show, too You can like it, too, I'm not a jealous future ex-wife. We met on polygamyromacenetwork, though he said he'd signed up to fuckabitchtonight. Social networking is just smart marketing to get the easy exposure and illusion of interactivity that the social networks enable. Cuz that's how you win. By enabling. All these forums will talk to each other if you set it up that way. Some are better for it than others. Generally, starting your search at Facebook is a crapshoot if you're looking for non-civilians. "Joe Smith" is also hard to track down if you start at Facebook. If you have an e-mail address, use that in the search field. My search for IheartImma@Toshmail.<3 yielded jack shit. So I put in "Super Smiley Face Mad Love" and a shitpile of results came back.
One of them... is a weak attempt to create sensationalism out of "gay". In defense of the page, it's creator does make a little disclaimer acknowledging being an aimless attention whore. A few points about this. It could be my sweet's way of peeking out of the closet before stepping out. Maybe that's why we get divorced later. Cuz his gayness finally succeeds in breaking the dam on my gayness. But we aren't in gay with each other anymore, Sarah Polley is directing the made for TV movie... Good way to get a bit of retarded attention, too. Being absurd in an absurd industry is handy. But more realistically, it's a gay homo who is jealous of our relationship, using passive-aggressive vies for attention.
Back to Twitter because of it's superior designs. Lotsa people('s agents) use it. It can really enhance your cyber stalking experience if you check in with that mouthy little bird. So, I had gone back to Twitter for some shit or other, and there was my darling love, apologizing for some shit or other. Now, I'm real a sucker for humility. Everybody knows it. I also love a bit of shit blown way out of proportion so I clicked the link attached to the "My bad"
Rape isn't funny. It's for sure true. I mean, Dan laughs when I rape him but that's the kind of relationship we have. I rape him and he makes fun of my ridiculously small penis. The humiliation really gets me off. The contrast in power where it seems like I should be the one with all the power cause I'm raping him, but there he is, taking it like a champ, laughing while he makes fun of my lady boner. The important thing is that it works for us.
Oh, and the other point I wanted to make is that. Jokes is jokes. It's what you're going to find at a comedy experience. There's a line comedians are always pushing against. If that makes you feel any variety of negative emotions it's probably not the kinda venue you wanna hang in. But if you go to such a venue and throw down like it was your turn on the mike... you're gonna get a bit of heckle on you. Y'see, it's next to impossible not to share bodily fluids when you're fucking someone, and that's what live comedy is like. You stay the fuck away from the front row if you are sensitive. If you wanna feel like a king at his very own roast, sit in the front and try to engage the performer with all your might. If you don't let 'em set up the goddamn story, you never get to the punchline.
All this rape out of context is throwing me off the purpose of this article. I mean, rape is always out of context... Unless you have safewords and shit lined up. I was going to quote Sarah Silverman here but all I can remember right now is "Oh please let them find semen in my dead grandma's vagina." Let me refer you to Louis CK's funny jokes about rape too
Back to MY punchline... Fuck, it's always about you, Dan! I'm just kidding, baby, I love you. I know you love me. Even though you don't say it. Are we fighting? Haha, I love you. Are you mad at me? I didn't mean to tell everyone about our rape fun. I won't tell them about the furry parties or anything about that weekend in #######. I love you. Are you having a good day? Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi Hi HIIIIIII Fuck, are you still fucking mad at me? Why are you such an ass? I'm telling Mom! Just kidding.I love you, baby. Remember that time at band camp... Lalala laalaaaa
What the fuck, you could be that ^ person, too. Just try a little Google power. I mean I didn't even think to check tabloids, or other readily available venues for my dear sweet beloved's details. I feel the Twitter and Facebook props are enough to let him know I really mean it when I say I will love him until we both come out of the closet and then continue to pretend to love him, for the benefit of our families. It's going to be great cover for our respective gay slutting adventures. It was Mr. Beard, in the closet, with the neighbour, they were making a lot of noise so I gagged them both. He's probably just a Gemini and that's why I'm so gay for him, I have a Gemini fetish. I'll beef up my cyber stalking team and sort it all out but it's distracting from the true intent here.
And my true intent is to peddle my shit that advises you on how not to lose your shit... future ex-husbands and how to use the Internet. In context.
Imma Writa... every social network in the free world, "Imma Writa". That's a guess, I don't know what the fuck Zoosk is but I'm not there yet. There's one place where it's "-ImmaWrita", with the hyphen, because I was high and I entered my email address erroneously and the fuckers wouldn't let me reneg on it. My bad, not theirs. Measure twice, cut once.
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| I like long walks on the beach, that involve pony roleplay, but it's just practical motivations, sand in my flip flops feels icky. "Neigh, my little pony!" |
Chances are, I encountered you on a social network, where I referred to my presence on other social networks and/or linked you here directly. It's a small but active marketing campaign. And shit simple. There's no way you couldn't find a way to contact me. I get many, many invitations to "The Facebook of..." (I dunno, that's where the preview cuts off) and Hot Dating In Your City and Fuck A Married Lady Tonight sites spamming the shit out of me to know that my e-mail presence is sound. Actually there are a lot of people who have figured out how to use the Internet to get in touch. It's a ridiculously useful tool.
I'm marketing my wordwares, it's smarter for me to have one personna cuz I wanna get attention. I'm even pulling popular media into the mix because I'm incredibly crafty, and impetuous, like that. As a cheating husband, it's really not in your best interest to have the same name across a bunch of forums that link up to each other. For example, your username at Ashley Madison shouldn't be the same as your username on Twitter. And for fuck's sake, stop using your primary e-mail address. Especially your company address. Get a free fucking gmail account so people can't Google the shit out of you and find your real profile on Linked In. I'm not endorsing gmail over any of the other free cheating tools available to you it just went well with the googling that came later in the statement.
Fuck, even if you're not a cheata, get Internet smart. Crazy bitches be everywhere. Do you really want your whole life turned upside down cuz some fucker blackmails you about your lame fetish. Maybe it's an exciting fetish, I'll let you be the judge. As an aside, if you don't know what a "BBW" is, Google it. If she says "chastity device" and you think it sounds classy but aren't familiar with the terminology, Google it. If you end up on Urban Dictionary or some shit and there are a number of contexts the term can be used, try to find the context closest to the source material. Ya know, I could his all up by saying, it is work to get laid you know. Even on The Facebook Of Dick.
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| Did he really just type that? At any woman, never mind a smart, hot, cocky bitch? Mr. T and I pity the fool. |
Internet smart means playing detective a little. Here's an example: Look at a bitch's profile. If she lives 3000 miles away, she probably doesn't want to meet up for coffee and a shag in your rental car. Another example: There's a BMI calculator on my blog. That's a polite way of saying, "If you're fat, you should at least be aware of that so you have half at chance in the friend zone." Another way to say it'd be, "Self awareness is cool."
Some chicks are really into the fat, lazy slob thing. I don't know where those chicks hang out. I can be pleasant enough but I'm using you for my productive ends, not you Dan, I really do love you. I think it's wildly apparent that Imma Personna, other people tend to agree, but still these wild fantasies so wrap themselves around thy tiny nutsacks that, because we talked online, or I talked at you online, whatever, you believe we're destined for ... what Daniel Tosh and I have.
Shh, shhh dear boy, soon!
Let me tell you what I think about being a married guy and using your face photo as your profile picture on a hook up site. You're stupid. Lots of dating sites are the same shit, marketed differently to attract users in different markets. Or it's an even bigger sausage party than the norm. The small print no one reads often includes using anything you post any fucking way they please. It's just business and we all wanna get laid so we're like "meh, who cares?" I don't know if you know this but your face is your most recognizable feature... it's not actually your dickture.that gives you away. Use private photo galleries if you're married and/or have a laundry list of your fetishes on your profile. It's common sense. And frankly, it's a good way to avoid stalkers.
When you're typing with one hand it can be hard to remember not to forget the common sense. This is part of the concept of "safe, sane and consensual" guidelines that rape violates. Is showing your face picture on a "fuck me cuz my wife won't" site as "bad" as rape? Skip ahead to the consequences part when your wife takes half and your mistress exposes all the gay fetish videos you made with her trannie friend who has a somewhat uncomfortably large dick. Ya, it could be that bad. Unless you're trying to break into the fetish porn scene, then it's smart marketing.
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| Legend: My texts are in green, on the right, received are in grey, on the left. |
Naturally, no day would be complete here without Dickture Talk. If you feel you must shock cock the world with your dicktures, two things. The primary market for phallus media is Gay Men. Nothing is safe on the Internet. And a third, that's the real gem: What the fuck did I tell you about face? Don't be stupid. Head crop, bitches, the gay boys don't care that much if you're ugly anyway. They seem more like size queens in my circle of friends.
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| About half the time they freak out because I wanna be productive with their dick, I kinda thought that was the whole point... |
I know that you love when I talk about dick. So I'll go at it some more... that's what she said. If you manage to get to the nudity with a lady part of the courting ritual, the best thing for you is if you haven't lied about the size of your dick. Seven is not five. Women can do math now. For real. I think the polite thing would be not to lie at all. But other than that, I'm of the school that unless you are sporting horse cock or conversely grasshopper cock, it's probably unnecessary to mention until you get to the Festivities of Partial and Complete Nakedness where she'll find out all about your awesome dick firsthand... see what I did there.
Ladies, you, too. You should know if you have a vagina that "hang like sleeve of Wizard", or a miniature version specially designed for smaller than average cocks. This is just practicality speaking though. Like when you're a really convincing trannie and you avoid getting the shit kicked out of you by some closeted homo by saying "You know I'm packin', right?" before you leave the safety of that loud, dimly lit club, overstocked with people who would intervene if some hater were inclined to play punchy face because you have a dick under your pretty dress. But I'm pragmatic like that. "Kiegel muscles", it's a Google activity for everyone to enjoy!
In conclusion, if you want to remain a husband, clear your browser history... when your notifications for Slutty App Time come in on your phone, don't run to the bathroom to check 'em. It's probably a camgirl anyway. They're businessing it up, too... cologne is a sure sign that you're trying to impress another woman, or cover up the smell of another woman's pussy. That hotel soap never does get rid of the sweet nectar of poonanny.
Or you could try to avoid being caught cheating by playing the ole "pay attention to the wife, get some dick" game.
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| What the fuck? Did a man just tell the truth and I didn't just fuck him? Probably means I'm a witch. I have a burning bush, and teeth in my vagina. (They're dental implants but they look realistic in the dark.) Or maybe I'm mixing myths, drunk as I am from this truth telling. |
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