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Thursday 30 August 2012

Help Wanted

You've definitely always wanted to change the world, I can tell that about you just by the way you cock your head just so, as you read this. And I have an opportunity for you in that regard, because I care about your goals. It's my
world you will be changing for the better, but your world will probably be richer for the experience... Volunteer position available for devoted minion.

The position requires 3-17 hours per week and that will be determined by how irritating you are, or aren't. The more versatile you are the better, though if you have a specialty, that you're actually good at... I refer you to Brian's Tattoos  (the fancy blue highlighting indicates a link that will take you somewhere else on the Internet, usually somewhere else in my blog, but not always, as in this example) as a way of saying, if you don't know what the fuck you're good at, people will make fun of you on the Internet and you should refrain from applying for this position.

Cleaning, cooking, cutting my nails... they seem to grow at a crazy rate, so this part is important. Being able to shut up, while you do an exceptional job of being my minion, is a highly prized quality. 

Laundry is another bane to my existence that you can be in charge of. Lookit all the power you get in this role! Shopping is another chore that sucks more than paying bills. You are always welcome to pay any bills you find lying around. Or just leave cash where you remove dust bunnies, kinda like the Tooth Fairy, without the teeth. If I find teeth laying around you will be dismissed. That's just creepy, and I won't tell you twice.

You are welcome to dress like an elf and pretend I am your Evil Underlord. I will tent my fingers and say "Excellent!" when you have pleased me. If you'd rather dress like a French Maid, that's fine, too but you are required to engage in the role fully and you will be expected to "parlez Francais" the whole time. I don't speak French, so no stupid questions for me. In light of that I quite like the French Maid idea. Point is, your work costume is up to you, and if you'd like me to pretend I made you wear it, I'm down.

Safety first. If you lack common sense, you are unsuited to the position. Yes, you sir. You're equally unsuited if you are a whiny-lil-bitch-thoughtless-mofo. That should go without saying. You may not at any time, bitch or whine about your girl/boy problems. I don't care if you fuck boys or girls or both, in great or few numbers, please just shut up about it. And the rest of your drama. We are drama free at Literary Boners, Ink. It's the first rule of Fight Club, too. "Shut the fuck up!"

Excellent if you enjoy the role of chauffeur because at times, you will play one. It's not required that you wear a goofy hat and such to fulfill this role, but as always, you are welcome to if it delights you. You are welcome to change your costume for each task you commit, I really couldn't give fewer fucks. You can wear a fucking dildo on your head and pretend you're a unicorn with opposable thumbs for all I fucking care, but again, you'll have to speak in Unicorn while you're in character, and no shitting on the floor. No shitting on the floor ever.

If you're computer literate that's good. If you're tech savvy, that's great. If I have to teach you what little I know about this stupid fucking machine, you're not much use to me in the Online Research Department so you should be sure to mention this limitation on your application. It may or may not influence you getting an interview, so your other skills better be the fuck on point. 

This is a volunteer position. I can't stress enough that I just don't give a fuck. If you're good I'll write you a killer letter of recommendation and I'll keep the swearing to an absolute fucking minimum, especially if you are applying for a job where that might be important, which is actually most of them, except for this one. If you can swear creatively, you will be given more opportunities to talk.

If your only real skill is buying stuff to compensate for your lacking depth and personality, that's fine. Know your strengths and always use them to your advantage. One advantage that is readily available to everyone is to read my blog before applying. This position is still available, too.

Your application should include:
*Your stage name. And age. Real age, not your online age. Gender, too, if you want. Fuck, it's your application, go nuts!
*Your skill or skills. Include anything you're good at, I'm happy to exploit skills I haven't listed above. I might pimp you out if you're that good. Describe your skills thoroughly, as if I don't know you.
*Your weaknesses, character defects and deficiencies, as you see them. If your deficiency is iron and b vitamins, include that, just for shits and giggles.
*If you include a dickture in your application, I will use it on the blog so thank you in advance for contributions to further that article's future existence.
*Explain whether or not you are applying for a position in the real world or if your intentions is some Farmville shit online... the dust bunnies online do get out of control.

All queries you'd like to Ask A Hot Chick can be directed to donorsforboners@gmail.com


p.s. If you're good with a camera, I would tent my hands and say "Excellent!". The second installment is Coming Soon...

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